Who I am. . .

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Santa Rosa/Chacala, California/Nayarit/Mexico, United States
I live and teach the Toltec Path of Personal Transformation through the articles, audios, and online apprentice program on my website at www.joydancer.com, phone consultations, workshops, Journeys of the Spirit to Teotihuacán in Mexico, and teleclasses. I am the author of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book, and co-author of two books with Deepak Chopra, Dr. Andrew Weil, Dean Ornish, Bernie Siegel, Prince Charles, and others. I own a home in the sweet little beach village of Chacala, Nayarit, Mexico, and spend the winters there. I invite students to do intensive study with me there, and host a Valentine's Week workshop on Love, Romance, and Relationship each year.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Five Ways to Avoid Intimacy


When an apprentice called me to tell me his wife was thinking about leaving him, he was mystified about what more she could want from him. He worked hard, supported her so she could be a stay-at-home Mom, he mowed the lawn, and kept the oil changed in the car. He was always busy with tasks and duties to support his family. He was feeling unappreciated, and helpless to get it right for her.

In my previous writings, I have shared my definition of intimacy as “our willingness to be open and present and share ourselves with others.” I have also described how we lost our connection with our feelings during our childhood domestication, when we were made wrong and punished for them. As adults, to be open and share ourselves with others carries the same fear that it did when we were young. We cannot afford to be present and known as ourselves because of the danger of being rejected, cast out, abandoned, punished, or worse.

So the intimacy we crave is, at the same time, our biggest fear. It is not surprising that many of us have created strategies, mostly during childhood, to protect us from being seen and being known. I offer you here five of the ways people in our culture have learned to avoid intimacy.

When I listened to the story of my apprentice, I noticed that he had many judgments about his wife. He complained about her lack of attention to him because she was always rushing off to help friends, strangers, and causes in need. He told me he wasn't really attracted to her because she wasn't taking care of herself and her body the way she used to. My apprentice had many justifications for being distant from the woman that he was afraid of losing.

In our conversation, my apprentice illustrated two major strategies anyone can use to avoid intimacy with their beloved.

#1: Stay very busy. Always make sure you don't have time to sit, be present, and share with your beloved. She might find out that you are not who you pretend to be. Projects are more important than people. Focus on getting a lot of things done and done well. If you can sacrifice yourself in the process, you can make the other person feel guilty for complaining about your lack of presence.

#2: Judge the other person. Whether it is out loud or silently to yourself, make sure you find and illuminate their faults. This will justify your not wanting to be present with them. It also serves to validate your superiority. When you rise above them, you don't need to be intimate.

It turned out that my apprentice's wife was also illustrating a couple of good strategies for us. She was constantly overwhelmed by taking care of her husband, children, and home, the aging family dog, and her many social and ecological causes. In her rush to get everything done and take care of everyone else, she was not taking good care of herself and her own needs—she said she wanted to, but couldn't find the time. She gives us…

#3: Be a caretaker of others. Caretake to hide. You really want to be intimate, but you are needed elsewhere. When the chores are done, the kids are in bed, all your needy friends have been heard and consoled, the old dog is spoon-fed, and the whales are saved, then you will have time to go for a walk, take a weekend off together, or sit and talk.

#4: Become unattractive. If your partner finds you unattractive, he might not want to relate deeply. Gain some weight, stop using makeup, wear baggy clothes. If you are a man, gain some weight, shave irregularly, and belch regularly.

#5: Anything else you can think of! Do whatever it takes to avoid being seen and known. Drink a bit too much wine at dinner and fall asleep on the couch. Be addicted to TV sports. Work late. Make sure all conversations are intellectual, scientific, or political-- not personal. Remember you need to call a friend, check your e-mail, or finish your novel when your beloved has that "I want to talk" look. Read to the kids and fall asleep on their bed. Be angry, depressed, or stay in La La Land. Tell jokes, gossip, teach or preach-- anything but be real.

There is no need to practice. For many people, these great strategies for avoiding intimacy come naturally. They were learned long ago, and have been mastered through years of practice.

How do you avoid the dangers of intimacy?

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Allan Hardman is a relationship coach, author, teacher, and Toltec Master, trained by Miguel Ruiz in the tradition The Four Agreements. He teaches in Sonoma County, and guides spiritual and romantic journeys to sacred sites and tropical beaches in Mexico and beyond. He is the author of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book. Information about his work with The New Relationship ~ Five Agreements to Make Love Come True, and other offerings are at: www.joydancer.com. To inquire about counseling by phone, call (707) 528-1271. E-mail comments: allan@joydancer.com.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

The Lie of Love





Could it be possible that we were lied to about love? I think so. I think we have been taught a big lie about Love. To understand the origin of the lie, we need to go back to a time, not too long ago, in a place, not so very far away. That is the time you were a small child.

In that time not too long ago, you were domesticated. You were taught what was good and what was bad, what was right, and what was wrong. Your parents and caregivers were invested in a reality they had been taught, with all of its beliefs and agreements. They believed their reality was the truth, and it was very important to teach it to you. Of course, it was a totally arbitrary reality based on what they had been taught, and had nothing to do with any actual "Reality." This is what Toltec wisdom calls, “dreaming.”

So your caregivers taught you their version of good and bad. In order to do that, they needed you to be afraid of the consequences of not believing them. It was called "behaving," but it was more about you believing the reality of their dream, and agreeing to deny yours. They told you they were the source of approval, acceptance, safety, and love in your life. We all learned from our caregivers that in order to receive our share of this very vital commodity we had to behave according to their demands.

What we learned in childhood is ubiquitous throughout our entire culture, and taught to each crop of new humans: "Love is a commodity that lives outside of you, and you must be good, get it right, behave, and perform properly, in order to receive your share."

That is the lie of love.

When your domestication began, the first thing "they" had to do was create fear in you, so you would be, do, feel and behave as they required. The fear they taught you was the fear of punishment, the fear of rejection, the fear of not getting the commodity of love and acceptance. They convinced you to forget yourself as love. You had no choice but to agree.

They taught you the lie of love.

I am writing to remind you of the truth: You are Love, you are Life itself. You are an individual unique manifestation of the Divine Oneness. You are creation's gift of love to this universe. You are LOVE! You are LIFE! There is nothing you need to do to earn that, and no way you have to behave to deserve it. You ARE it!

In our romantic relationships, we domesticate each other. We tell each other, through words and thousands of subtle signals, how we expect each other to behave in order to earn and hold onto our love. We use the reward of acceptance and attention, and the punishment of judgment and rejection to enforce our relationship domestication. And what is even more bizarre, we do it to ourselves in our own inner worlds!

I invite you to deny the lie of love. There is nothing you must do to earn love, and no dance you need to do to keep it. Love is not a commodity; it is the truth of who and what you are.

You are an unlimited source of Love. Please share it freely with yourself and others!

Thank you.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A Poem Inspired by The Joydancer Summer Celebration of Life


"In the Beginning. . ."



In the beginning there was darkness

And the darkness was named “Love.”

The darkness was alone,

And longed to share Love with Other.


The darkness was potential and power,

And made a lover, a manifestation of Love.

Creation was born, made from the body of Love

As a companion and reflection of Love.


Creation was born of Love,

Animated by Love,

A mirror for Love,

And we know it as Life.


Love becomes Life,

And celebrates itself as Creation.

Life celebrates Love,

And Love celebrates Life.


We are that Love, we are that Life.

Let us know ourselves as Love,

Let us know ourselves as Life,

Let us celebrate Love and Life


Let us celebrate both, together,

In the dance of Love,

The dance of Life,

Celebrating in Joy.


We are Joydancers!