Five Ways to Avoid Intimacy

When an apprentice called me to tell me his wife was thinking about leaving him, he was mystified about what more she could want from him. He worked hard, supported her so she could be a stay-at-home Mom, he mowed the lawn, and kept the oil changed in the car. He was always busy with tasks and duties to support his family. He was feeling unappreciated, and helpless to get it right for her.

In my previous writings, I have shared my definition of intimacy as “our willingness to be open and present and share ourselves with others.” I have also described how we lost our connection with our feelings during our childhood domestication, when we were made wrong and punished for them. As adults, to be open and share ourselves with others carries the same fear that it did when we were young. We cannot afford to be present and known as ourselves because of the danger of being rejected, cast out, abandoned, punished, or worse.

So the intimacy we crave is, at the same time, our biggest fear. It is not surprising that many of us have created strategies, mostly during childhood, to protect us from being seen and being known. I offer you here five of the ways people in our culture have learned to avoid intimacy.

When I listened to the story of my apprentice, I noticed that he had many judgments about his wife. He complained about her lack of attention to him because she was always rushing off to help friends, strangers, and causes in need. He told me he wasn't really attracted to her because she wasn't taking care of herself and her body the way she used to. My apprentice had many justifications for being distant from the woman that he was afraid of losing.

In our conversation, my apprentice illustrated two major strategies anyone can use to avoid intimacy with their beloved.

#1: Stay very busy. Always make sure you don't have time to sit, be present, and share with your beloved. She might find out that you are not who you pretend to be. Projects are more important than people. Focus on getting a lot of things done and done well. If you can sacrifice yourself in the process, you can make the other person feel guilty for complaining about your lack of presence.

#2: Judge the other person. Whether it is out loud or silently to yourself, make sure you find and illuminate their faults. This will justify your not wanting to be present with them. It also serves to validate your superiority. When you rise above them, you don't need to be intimate.

It turned out that my apprentice's wife was also illustrating a couple of good strategies for us. She was constantly overwhelmed by taking care of her husband, children, and home, the aging family dog, and her many social and ecological causes. In her rush to get everything done and take care of everyone else, she was not taking good care of herself and her own needs—she said she wanted to, but couldn't find the time. She gives us…

#3: Be a caretaker of others. Caretake to hide. You really want to be intimate, but you are needed elsewhere. When the chores are done, the kids are in bed, all your needy friends have been heard and consoled, the old dog is spoon-fed, and the whales are saved, then you will have time to go for a walk, take a weekend off together, or sit and talk.

#4: Become unattractive. If your partner finds you unattractive, he might not want to relate deeply. Gain some weight, stop using makeup, wear baggy clothes. If you are a man, gain some weight, shave irregularly, and belch regularly.

#5: Anything else you can think of! Do whatever it takes to avoid being seen and known. Drink a bit too much wine at dinner and fall asleep on the couch. Be addicted to TV sports. Work late. Make sure all conversations are intellectual, scientific, or political-- not personal. Remember you need to call a friend, check your e-mail, or finish your novel when your beloved has that "I want to talk" look. Read to the kids and fall asleep on their bed. Be angry, depressed, or stay in La La Land. Tell jokes, gossip, teach or preach-- anything but be real.

There is no need to practice. For many people, these great strategies for avoiding intimacy come naturally. They were learned long ago, and have been mastered through years of practice.

How do you avoid the dangers of intimacy?

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You are invited to share this article with friends, online, wherever. Please include this bio if you do. Thank you.

Allan Hardman is a relationship coach, author, teacher, and Toltec Master, trained by Miguel Ruiz in the tradition The Four Agreements. He teaches in Sonoma County, and guides spiritual and romantic journeys to sacred sites and tropical beaches in Mexico and beyond. He is the author of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book. Information about his work with The New Relationship ~ Five Agreements to Make Love Come True, and other offerings are at: www.joydancer.com. To inquire about counseling by phone, call (707) 528-1271. E-mail comments: allan@joydancer.com.

The Lie of Love

Could it be possible that we were lied to about love? I think so. I think we have been taught a big lie about Love. To understand the origin of the lie, we need to go back to a time, not too long ago, in a place, not so very far away. That is the time you were a small child.

In that time not too long ago, you were domesticated. You were taught what was good and what was bad, what was right, and what was wrong. Your parents and caregivers were invested in a reality they had been taught, with all of its beliefs and agreements. They believed their reality was the truth, and it was very important to teach it to you. Of course, it was a totally arbitrary reality based on what they had been taught, and had nothing to do with any actual "Reality." This is what Toltec wisdom calls, “dreaming.”

So your caregivers taught you their version of good and bad. In order to do that, they needed you to be afraid of the consequences of not believing them. It was called "behaving," but it was more about you believing the reality of their dream, and agreeing to deny yours. They told you they were the source of approval, acceptance, safety, and love in your life. We all learned from our caregivers that in order to receive our share of this very vital commodity we had to behave according to their demands.

What we learned in childhood is ubiquitous throughout our entire culture, and taught to each crop of new humans: "Love is a commodity that lives outside of you, and you must be good, get it right, behave, and perform properly, in order to receive your share."

That is the lie of love.

When your domestication began, the first thing "they" had to do was create fear in you, so you would be, do, feel and behave as they required. The fear they taught you was the fear of punishment, the fear of rejection, the fear of not getting the commodity of love and acceptance. They convinced you to forget yourself as love. You had no choice but to agree.

They taught you the lie of love.

I am writing to remind you of the truth: You are Love, you are Life itself. You are an individual unique manifestation of the Divine Oneness. You are creation's gift of love to this universe. You are LOVE! You are LIFE! There is nothing you need to do to earn that, and no way you have to behave to deserve it. You ARE it!

In our romantic relationships, we domesticate each other. We tell each other, through words and thousands of subtle signals, how we expect each other to behave in order to earn and hold onto our love. We use the reward of acceptance and attention, and the punishment of judgment and rejection to enforce our relationship domestication. And what is even more bizarre, we do it to ourselves in our own inner worlds!

I invite you to deny the lie of love. There is nothing you must do to earn love, and no dance you need to do to keep it. Love is not a commodity; it is the truth of who and what you are.

You are an unlimited source of Love. Please share it freely with yourself and others!

Thank you.

The Joydancer Summer Celebration of LIFE!

Wow, I am excited about our fourth annual Joydancer Summer Celebration of Life.

It is going to be an amazingly wonderful event. With talks by me, Allan Hardman and a host of talented teachers, ceremonies, and music by Melissa Phillippe, James Nihan, it just doesn't get any better than this! And you MUST be there! (In fact, I heard your soulmate is going to be there).

The Joydancer Summer Celebration of Life


THEME 2008: "Faith in Life"

DATES: August 8 ~ 10, 2008

LOCATION: Walker Creek Ranch, in West Marin County, northern California

COST: Varies depending on accommodations and options. Lots of camping available, dorm, or semi-private rooms. Cheap!!

THE WEEKEND: Friday evening through Sunday lunch. Five Meals, two nights. Music, lectures, experiential groups, a keynote talk by me, Allan Hardman, and a fire ceremony. At the Sunday morning Circle of Love we affirm our intentions to release the limiting beliefs that hold us back in our lives, and embrace new awareness and agreements to be in tune with Life itself, trusting it to guide and inspire us. You will be transformed!

OPTIONS: Come all day Friday for Men's and Women's Wisdom Circles, with Friday lunch and dinner.
Saturday night, experience an all-night DreamTime Mitote, and blow that old dream right out of your mind!

The Joydancer Summer Celebration of Life

We everyone who wants a better life, more fun, greater personal freedom, and a heart filled with love to share this powerful weekend with us. That means you. Space is (really, actually, truthfully) limited, so make your reservation now. Don't be turned away from this incredible experience.

Read, listen to audio descriptions, and claim your space here:

The Joydancer Summer Celebration of Life

I look forward to sharing this powerful weekend with you.

Yours IN love,

ALLAN

Celebrating This Winter Solstice

THIS OFFERING ABOUT USING THE WINTER SOLSTICE IS A GIFT FROM FRANK HAYHURST, aka FRANCIS RICO, A TEACHER IN THIS TRADITION FROM SONOMA COUNTY, CA. . .
It is good advice for anytime, of course:

Beloved fellow travelers of the mystery trend:

Creation offers to share with us her gift of expansion of light, a gift 14
billion years in the making - a gift that is now appearing it's full
blazing glory this Friday, December 21st, at 10:08PM Pacific Standard Time.
(Work it out for your time zone.)

You might ask "how can we possibly share in this cosmic gift, considering
the toxic mess we humans are making of this little planet?"

A native holy man, Joseph Rael - "Beautiful Painted Arrow" - had a vision
of this moment, and he puts it this way:

"We humans have fooled around long enough, and God is now taking over. From
now on, we are going to get plenty of everything we focus on and act on. If
we focus on conflict, we will get more conflict. However, if we focus on
peace we will get plenty of peace. As soon as we focus on a goal, the
universe will take us in that direction."

So, a good question would be: What do you intend for yourself?

It is a wonderful opportunity we are being given! We are "presents" from
Creation to Herself. And, this Solstice Celebration is like a party at
which we are invited to open our present, to open to the precious gift that
we are, opening to find the deep wisdom and freedom that wrap the wild and
beautiful truth of our selves.

Could this be done anywhere, anytime? Yes.

However, with the spiraling energy of our Earth circling our Sun, in a
spiraling galaxy within an expanding cosmos -- well, you get the picture,
this Solstice is a special moment of whirling dancing Light -- of Light
returning to grow the seeds of intent that you select.

Another good question would be: What do you intend to grow in the Fields of
Light of your life?

On Friday evening, create a ceremony, a celebration, with friends. Make it
a party, a SERIOUS party! It is respectful to our hostess, Creation, to
align ourselves with her, leaving the petty hierarchies of humankind out on
the porch, like muddy shoes that are not invited inside.

Move into silence. Let Creation speak within your heart.

Then, CELEBRATE! Share this good fortune, this opportunity to live wild and
free, with all of our relations, our friends, families, neighbors, and ALL
who we share this gift of life with.

As you plant, so shall you reap. It has always been this simple, but as of
now, it is simple to the tenth power!

love you! Many blessings!

Frank - Francis Rico

My Secrets About The Secret

“The Secret” and “The Law of Attraction” are the Big Buzz these days, and I am sure that many of you reading this are big fans. I think it is great that so many people are interested in ways to take responsibility for their lives using the power of their minds. I have a few thoughts to share with you about the other side of the teachings, and things to watch out for while practicing the principles.

In the book, The Secret, it says: “The Secret is the law of attraction! It has been . . .hidden, lost, stolen, and bought for vast sums of money. . .Everything that’s coming into your life you are attracting into your life. . .whatever is going on in your mind you are attracting to you. . . As you learn The Secret, you will come to know how you can have, be, or do anything you want.”

Here are some of my secrets about The Secret:

1. It is not a secret.

People have been writing books about how your mind affects your reality since the beginning of books. Jesus and Plato talked about it. Toltec Nagual and author of The Four Agreements, Miguel Ruiz wrote about it. Most of the authors and experts quoted in the movie and book have been writing about it for a long time.

That has nothing to do with the value of The Secret, it only points out the hype factor, which you may have noticed is pretty big. For many people, being able to have power over their lives and the choices they make is a big revelation. This is an important value of The Secret.

2. It does not always work.

If only it were as simple as “what you think, you get” and all you have to do is think good positive spiritual thoughts and your life would be devoted to what the book offers: “. . .eradicating disease, acquiring massive wealth, overcome obstacles, and achieving what many would regard as impossible.”

In The Four Agreements Miguel Ruiz invites us to be impeccable with our Word, because the Word is the creative force of the universe. He includes in the Word every thought, belief, action, and spoken word. It is the most deeply held beliefs and agreements that are this creative force. Affirmations on the bathroom mirror often do not change us, because there are other agreements that are held deep in the subconscious that are the creative forces in our universe.

It is true that our own personal universe is created by our thoughts, but we usually don’t even know what our thoughts are; or especially, how they are creating the world we live in.

3. It can be a big set-up for self-judgment.

If you see a movie or read a book and it tells you that you have the power to create any life you want, to create wealth and overcome disease and find the perfect relationship. . .well, it sounds great, of course, but if it doesn’t work. . .wow! This is a big set-up for The Judge. They say you can do this if you just do it right. You try, you apply the principles as you understand them, maybe some things work, and maybe you can’t get so much as a good parking space, let alone the riches and love!

The Inner Judge loves those moments, and will use them against you. Don’t let The Secret become another “should” -- like the latest diet you couldn’t stick with, or the gym membership that you never use.

If it were as easy as they say, everyone would be healthy, wealthy, and loved beyond measure.

This, to me, is the most important secret about The Secret: It is not that easy, and it is not your (spiritual) fault if it does not work the way it is advertised.

4. You might not actually have any choice.

This is really a subject worthy of a more thorough exploration than we can give it here, but let me say that The Secret works for those it works for. Their minds and belief systems are prepared in some way for what The Secret offers. For minds that are not prepared, the principles have no place from which to operate.

Again, if it worked as simply for everyone as advertised, we would all be there already. Enjoy The Secret and The Law of Attraction—and do it without any expectations that you should be able to quickly change your entire life and become rich and healthy because you changed your thinking. It is simple, it is true, and it is not easy.

Do your best, and accept yourself just the way you are. The rest is play.

Have fun!

The Hidden Power of Miguel Ruiz' Four Agreements.

It has been ten years since Miguel Ruiz, author and Toltec Nagual, released his famous book, The Four Agreements - A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom. Oprah has raved about it, movie stars quote it, and it is read in 32 languages around the world-- and yet many people miss some of the profound depths of this teaching.

Miguel Ruiz begins The Four Agreements by describing how each of us has been "domesticated" by our parents, relatives, siblings, teachers, church leaders, and others. We were expected to agree with their beliefs and agreements about good and bad, and right and wrong - and we did. We had no choice. It was "their way or the highway."

We agreed never to take the last cookie, to always put other people's feelings ahead of ours, to follow the rules, not touch ourselves there, and not talk back. We agreed to stay inside the lines, not be too happy, and always be nice. Following their rules helped us fit in and get our needs met.

Following their rules also had a price: We were required to abandon our truth and the freedom to express ourselves freely. We stopped looking inside for our direction, and learned to look outside to know what "they" wanted us to think and feel. This was a big price to pay for safety and belonging. We had no choice.

The Four Agreements have the power to break thousands of the limiting agreements that you made during your domestication, and set you free to be yourself. They are a wonderful gift. Unfortunately, many people misunderstand the deeper meaning of the agreements, or deny their power by imagining they are like some other philosophy or teaching. Let's take a brief look at each agreement here, and make sure you are using them as the powerful tools they are.

Agreement #1: Always be impeccable with your Word. Miguel Ruiz clearly explains that to be impeccable means to be "without sin," and he defines sin as "going against yourself." Therefore, to be impeccable with your Word is to not use your Word against yourself. Many people seem to miss this definition, and believe the agreement means they should always tell the truth, keep their commitments, and not cheat.

Your Word is a powerful force of creation in your life. How do you use your Word against yourself? The most common way is to judge yourself. The voices of your domesticators follow you around, critcizing what you do or don’t do, and how you do or don’t do it.

Can you imagine living without ever judging yourself for anything you say or do? Imagine your freedom to take action, to create, and to love with your heart wide open. Keeping this one agreement is all you need to go all the way to personal freedom. It is very simple, but not easy. The old habits are hard to break, but you can do it. The Toltec Path has many powerful tools that can help you identify and break the agreements that do not serve you, and I will be describing many of them here.

The other three agreements are given to us as support for the first.

Agreement #2: Don't take anything personally. The danger here is using this agreement as an attitude, rather than a ticket to freedom. The Toltec Wisdom teaches that we are all distorting reality based on our unique beliefs and agreements. Everyone is dreaming you, they are not seeing the real you. Therefore, anything they say to or about you is a description of their dream of you, and truly has nothing to do with you. Likewise, you are dreaming everyone else, and your dream of them has nothing to do with them. The universe it not personal. Be yourself, and enjoy your life.

Agreement #3: Never make assumptions. What a powerful invitation! Stay in the moment. Don't second-guess life. Don't assume you know what someone needs or is thinking. If you want to know, ask. This agreement will break all those lies that say it is bad to ask questions because you might embarrass or hurt someone, or you should know what other people are thinking and meet their needs before they have to ask. Many people think this is a minor agreement, but don't be fooled. Big power resides here. Stay in the juice of Life in this moment-- after all, this moment is the only time and place Life is happening!

Agreement #4: Always do your best. This agreement is often misunderstood to mean you should try harder, do more, and be better. Nothing could be farther from the intention of the agreement. Every choice you make is based on your programming, your previous experiences, and the information available to you-- and every choice is the best you can make in the moment. If you find out ten minutes or ten years later that you have other options, use them, act, change, and grow.

This agreement will break your belief in all the lies your inner and outer judges tell you about your failures, what you should have known or done better, and the grim prospects for your future. Without the voice of your inner judge you are free to be you. What a beautiful thing to behold.

Yours IN love and The New Dream,

Allan