A Judge for Every Occasion

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Every family has its own dream, and all parents have unique standards they expect their children to meet. Often, even parents in a family disagree about the rules, and each enforces different judgments and punishments. They believe (from their domestication) that they need to make their children wrong and punish them for breaking the family rules--and thus make them good citizens of the world. Punishment is the basic standard for child rearing in the dream of the planet. This is not a conscious, deliberate or mean act by parents--they are fish in the water, knowing only the water, doing what they think is best.

The family also enforces the rules and expectations of all the groups, institutions, religions, occupations, social hierarchies, and political beliefs with which they identify themselves. It is vitally important to parents that everyone around them accept their children. It is even more important to many parents that they themselves are accepted as good parents by the judges around them.

When a child hears enough of those judgments, she learns to agree she is not good enough, smart enough, or careful enough the way she is. She knows she must get it right, or she will not be tolerated as a member of her family unit. To protect herself from being banished, she learns all the expectations of her family, and all the judgments that enforce them. She internalizes the voices into a recording that can play in her mind twenty-four hours a day, even when she is alone.

As one Toltec apprentice told his teacher, "I always make myself wrong for everything I do! I thought since my mother taught me that way, I should do it that way, too. I have a judge for every occasion!"

Many of the judgments were not spoken directly, nor were they necessarily abusive or overtly hurtful. If no one came when you called them to change your diaper or see a dead worm on the patio, you thought it was your fault. If your parent didn't put the newspaper down when you wanted to show them some school art, or any of the other small ways that even loving parents did not respond to your childhood needs, you were hurt. And the message you told yourself was, "I am not important enough (good enough, interesting enough, and so on) for them to want to pay attention to me and love me. I have to be better." That belief was quietly added to the litany of your inner judge.

Remember that everything the judge says is a lie. Listen with detachment and curiosity to these voices. They are not you, and they are not your fault. The voices and their beliefs were programmed into your mind by others. The Toltec Warrior does not take them personally, because he knows they are not personal.

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-An excerpt from The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book, by Allan Hardman

It is my passion in life to help us break free from the tyranny of the inner judge so that we can be happy. If you like what you read here, you can:

1. Sign up for my newsletter, the Joydancer Weekly Word and News: http://joydancer.com/Newsletter

2. Get your copy of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book in the Joydancer Store: http://store.joydancer.com/products/the-everything-toltec-wisdom-book

3. Join my Toltec Community Online and be supported by a loving community of people learning how to become free of childhood domestication and claim their power as happy and free adults. http://tolteconline.com

4. Get in touch with me! I offer counseling via phone, Skype, or in person. Call or write for a free 30-minute phone consultation. (707) 528-1271. allanh@sonic.net

IN Love,

Allan

Conscious Relationship: A Conversation with Allan Hardman

All life is based on relationships, and the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. Most people have learned to believe lies denying their value and worth in the world. I am passionate about helping us all change how we "dream" ourselves - and learn to love and accept ourselves just as we are (and just as we are not!).

When we heal our relationship with ourselves the entire world we live in changes. Want to change your world? Let's do it!

Join me for a radio interview with Sarah McCroskey on HumanSpirit Radio, Friday, June 17 at 2:00 PM (Pacific Time). To register to listen and participate with questions, click here.

For more information about HumanSpirit Radio, click here.

To work with me personally to change your world, call (707) 528-1271. I offer personal coaching and counseling. To find out more about me and what I do, visit http://www.joydancer.com

A New Year's Blessing Prayer

I am loving my winter in Chacala, Nayarit, Mexico. If you are in a cold place somewhere, I am going to send you some soft warm tropical air....hold on....close your eyes....hold out your heart....aah...there it is.

Take a moment and let it in...let it warm your heart and soul....and prepare you for the new year ahead. I encourage us all to open our hearts to ourselves (especially) and to each other as we make this transition into 2011. I've heard some folks here say: "New Year's Eve is no big deal, and I'll just go to bed early."

Well, fine, however, we can use any excuse to set new intentions and clean up our minds so we can live happier, more creative, and loving lives each day and each year.

I have a simple secret for setting intentions and changing beliefs: Take out the "can't, shouldn't, don't, never" and other black magic words that limit your creation. Example: "I can't find a job." Change your Word to "I find a job." Or, "I'll never find the perfect relationship." Try this, instead: "I'll find the perfect relationship." Or, a bit more creative: "I am the perfect relationship." Or, riffing, "I am in the perfect relationship with myself, one based on unconditional love and acceptance of my divine perfection." THAT oughta' do it.

Happy New LIFE!

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I'm really looking forward to my annual Valentine's Week Workshop on Love, Romance, and Relationship, February 10~14, 2011 (for couples and singles) here at my "House of the Eagles" in Chacala. Chacala is a wonderful and romantic setting for this five-day exploration into conscious relationship, and I hope you'll make plans to be here. You deserve an uplifting and life transforming vacation, don't you think? Click here for more details.

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"A New Year's Blessing Prayer ~ I Fling My Heart Open to Thee"

Divine Presence, I fling my heart open to thee.

Show me the way to your perfect Grace.

I dance with thee in this New Year.

My heart is open wide, and your love pours through me,

And I see your love in all that is.

I see your love in my Beloveds,

In the rain and sun and wind and heat and cold.

I see your love in all success and adversity,

I see your love in every aspect of your Creation.

I say YES to all that is, knowing it is all You.

In this New Year, may I let nothing obscure my vision of you,

And your Grace.

My eyes are open wide, and my heart is ripped open

In my desire to be possessed by you.

Take Me, Take Me, Take Me.

I have nothing to surrender, because all that I AM is You.

Divine Presence, I fling my heart open to thee.

Show me the way to your perfect Grace.

I dance with you in this New Year.

And so it is.

~Allan

Five Ways to Avoid Intimacy

When an apprentice called me to tell me his wife was thinking about leaving him, he was mystified about what more she could want from him. He worked hard, supported her so she could be a stay-at-home Mom, he mowed the lawn, and kept the oil changed in the car. He was always busy with tasks and duties to support his family. He was feeling unappreciated, and helpless to get it right for her.

In my previous writings, I have shared my definition of intimacy as “our willingness to be open and present and share ourselves with others.” I have also described how we lost our connection with our feelings during our childhood domestication, when we were made wrong and punished for them. As adults, to be open and share ourselves with others carries the same fear that it did when we were young. We cannot afford to be present and known as ourselves because of the danger of being rejected, cast out, abandoned, punished, or worse.

So the intimacy we crave is, at the same time, our biggest fear. It is not surprising that many of us have created strategies, mostly during childhood, to protect us from being seen and being known. I offer you here five of the ways people in our culture have learned to avoid intimacy.

When I listened to the story of my apprentice, I noticed that he had many judgments about his wife. He complained about her lack of attention to him because she was always rushing off to help friends, strangers, and causes in need. He told me he wasn't really attracted to her because she wasn't taking care of herself and her body the way she used to. My apprentice had many justifications for being distant from the woman that he was afraid of losing.

In our conversation, my apprentice illustrated two major strategies anyone can use to avoid intimacy with their beloved.

#1: Stay very busy. Always make sure you don't have time to sit, be present, and share with your beloved. She might find out that you are not who you pretend to be. Projects are more important than people. Focus on getting a lot of things done and done well. If you can sacrifice yourself in the process, you can make the other person feel guilty for complaining about your lack of presence.

#2: Judge the other person. Whether it is out loud or silently to yourself, make sure you find and illuminate their faults. This will justify your not wanting to be present with them. It also serves to validate your superiority. When you rise above them, you don't need to be intimate.

It turned out that my apprentice's wife was also illustrating a couple of good strategies for us. She was constantly overwhelmed by taking care of her husband, children, and home, the aging family dog, and her many social and ecological causes. In her rush to get everything done and take care of everyone else, she was not taking good care of herself and her own needs—she said she wanted to, but couldn't find the time. She gives us…

#3: Be a caretaker of others. Caretake to hide. You really want to be intimate, but you are needed elsewhere. When the chores are done, the kids are in bed, all your needy friends have been heard and consoled, the old dog is spoon-fed, and the whales are saved, then you will have time to go for a walk, take a weekend off together, or sit and talk.

#4: Become unattractive. If your partner finds you unattractive, he might not want to relate deeply. Gain some weight, stop using makeup, wear baggy clothes. If you are a man, gain some weight, shave irregularly, and belch regularly.

#5: Anything else you can think of! Do whatever it takes to avoid being seen and known. Drink a bit too much wine at dinner and fall asleep on the couch. Be addicted to TV sports. Work late. Make sure all conversations are intellectual, scientific, or political-- not personal. Remember you need to call a friend, check your e-mail, or finish your novel when your beloved has that "I want to talk" look. Read to the kids and fall asleep on their bed. Be angry, depressed, or stay in La La Land. Tell jokes, gossip, teach or preach-- anything but be real.

There is no need to practice. For many people, these great strategies for avoiding intimacy come naturally. They were learned long ago, and have been mastered through years of practice.

How do you avoid the dangers of intimacy?

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Allan Hardman is a relationship coach, author, teacher, and Toltec Master, trained by Miguel Ruiz in the tradition The Four Agreements. He teaches in Sonoma County, and guides spiritual and romantic journeys to sacred sites and tropical beaches in Mexico and beyond. He is the author of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book. Information about his work with The New Relationship ~ Five Agreements to Make Love Come True, and other offerings are at: www.joydancer.com. To inquire about counseling by phone, call (707) 528-1271. E-mail comments: allan@joydancer.com.