A Judge for Every Occasion

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Every family has its own dream, and all parents have unique standards they expect their children to meet. Often, even parents in a family disagree about the rules, and each enforces different judgments and punishments. They believe (from their domestication) that they need to make their children wrong and punish them for breaking the family rules--and thus make them good citizens of the world. Punishment is the basic standard for child rearing in the dream of the planet. This is not a conscious, deliberate or mean act by parents--they are fish in the water, knowing only the water, doing what they think is best.

The family also enforces the rules and expectations of all the groups, institutions, religions, occupations, social hierarchies, and political beliefs with which they identify themselves. It is vitally important to parents that everyone around them accept their children. It is even more important to many parents that they themselves are accepted as good parents by the judges around them.

When a child hears enough of those judgments, she learns to agree she is not good enough, smart enough, or careful enough the way she is. She knows she must get it right, or she will not be tolerated as a member of her family unit. To protect herself from being banished, she learns all the expectations of her family, and all the judgments that enforce them. She internalizes the voices into a recording that can play in her mind twenty-four hours a day, even when she is alone.

As one Toltec apprentice told his teacher, "I always make myself wrong for everything I do! I thought since my mother taught me that way, I should do it that way, too. I have a judge for every occasion!"

Many of the judgments were not spoken directly, nor were they necessarily abusive or overtly hurtful. If no one came when you called them to change your diaper or see a dead worm on the patio, you thought it was your fault. If your parent didn't put the newspaper down when you wanted to show them some school art, or any of the other small ways that even loving parents did not respond to your childhood needs, you were hurt. And the message you told yourself was, "I am not important enough (good enough, interesting enough, and so on) for them to want to pay attention to me and love me. I have to be better." That belief was quietly added to the litany of your inner judge.

Remember that everything the judge says is a lie. Listen with detachment and curiosity to these voices. They are not you, and they are not your fault. The voices and their beliefs were programmed into your mind by others. The Toltec Warrior does not take them personally, because he knows they are not personal.

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-An excerpt from The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book, by Allan Hardman

It is my passion in life to help us break free from the tyranny of the inner judge so that we can be happy. If you like what you read here, you can:

1. Sign up for my newsletter, the Joydancer Weekly Word and News: http://joydancer.com/Newsletter

2. Get your copy of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book in the Joydancer Store: http://store.joydancer.com/products/the-everything-toltec-wisdom-book

3. Join my Toltec Community Online and be supported by a loving community of people learning how to become free of childhood domestication and claim their power as happy and free adults. http://tolteconline.com

4. Get in touch with me! I offer counseling via phone, Skype, or in person. Call or write for a free 30-minute phone consultation. (707) 528-1271. allanh@sonic.net

IN Love,

Allan

Conscious Relationship: A Conversation with Allan Hardman

All life is based on relationships, and the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves. Most people have learned to believe lies denying their value and worth in the world. I am passionate about helping us all change how we "dream" ourselves - and learn to love and accept ourselves just as we are (and just as we are not!).

When we heal our relationship with ourselves the entire world we live in changes. Want to change your world? Let's do it!

Join me for a radio interview with Sarah McCroskey on HumanSpirit Radio, Friday, June 17 at 2:00 PM (Pacific Time). To register to listen and participate with questions, click here.

For more information about HumanSpirit Radio, click here.

To work with me personally to change your world, call (707) 528-1271. I offer personal coaching and counseling. To find out more about me and what I do, visit http://www.joydancer.com