The Origin of the Inner Judge

"The Origin of the Inner Judge"

When we're little, there are two parts of us. There's a masculine part and a feminine part. We could say just in general that the feminine part is the feelings, the intuition, and the emotional body. The masculine is more the connected, sun/spirit, logic part of being. (That's not meant to be a description of women and men but just two ways of taking us apart and looking at parts of us.)

One of the aspects of the masculine is "protector." If we think about the old days, way, way back, people lived in caves and there was a door at the cave. The man, undoubtedly "the masculine," was the one at the door of the cave with a club, protecting, going into the world, getting food, and bringing it back to the feminine who was at the fire with the food and the kids. In that model, which probably still exists in our DNA, "holding a container" is an important part of that masculine aspect. In working with couples I've often found women, deep down inside saying, "I wish you could hold a safe space for me and not judge me." When he doesn't do that he's in the cave attacking her when he's supposed to be at the door of the cave protecting her. 

What happened to that little protector masculine when we were little?

The one we've been calling the Inner Child is really the feminine side of the child - the feelings, the emotions, the part that gets hurt. The masculine side of the child, when we're little, shouldn't have to protect. It's the parents' job to protect the child. Imagine being born into a family where the parents say, or the dad says as the masculine, "I'm so delighted and excited that you're here, and I'm here to provide a container - a safe container - to find out what magic God sent you to do in our lives. I'm going to hold a safe physical space, a safe psychological space, for you to become who you came here to be and we are just delighted to be the stewards of that, and we're excited to find out what that is." Imagine who you would be if that had been the welcome you'd gotten.

The feminine side - the feeling side - would grow up knowing that she was safe and that she could express her feelings without having them abused or made wrong. The masculine side would have no job. The protector part of the masculine in a boy or girl could simply coast along and mature in the container provided by the parents, and in the process learn what it means to be protected, and learn the job of the protector from that experience.

An apprentice told me about a girlfriend of his when he was a young man. She was from Sweden, and her parents were very liberal about what she did, but they liked her to do it at home. So the young lovers spent a lot of time at her home. Her parents would go to bed early. If Dad needed to get up and go into the kitchen, he'd make his presence known, and my apprentice knew that if he did anything that freaked his girlfriend out or upset her and she made the slightest noise about it, Dad would be right through that door and my apprentice would be in trouble. She knew she was safe, she knew she was protected, and that's how most of us didn't grow up.

In that model, the little protector masculine can grow up just learning what it's like so when, for example, a female human with that experience goes into the world or maybe she's sitting on the couch, and a new guy comes to the door and Dad opens the door - the container - and looks the guy over - tattoos, cigarette hanging out of his mouth - says, "Nope!" and slams the door shut. But say he gives the guy a chance and lets him in, and goes into the other room and closes the door. If the guy reaches over and puts his hand on her leg and it's not comfortable, she has full permission because of that container she grew up in, to go, "Aaaah, I don't like that. Get your hand off me." 

So by the time she's in a bar at 25 and some guy comes over and touches her inappropriately, there's no question about her response. The masculine is right there. The feminine says, "I didn't like that" to the masculine and the masculine says, "That's not right," to the guy.

When, however, the masculine side tries to protect us when we're four, and says, "Stop it, I hate you, you're mean! I'm not going to my room! It's not fair!" That's the masculine trying to protect the feminine side whose feelings are hurt by the outside judge. And what happens to a 4 year old child - could be a boy or a girl - when they say, "I hate you, you're mean, leave me alone, I'm not gonna do what you say?"

Dad says, "Dont' you talk to me like that! Don't you ever think of doing that again!" or maybe we got punished, or whatever the family dream called for to stop that kind of talk.

I've had people tell me, "Oh, when I was four and my dad was beating up my mom I jumped on his back and tried to pull him off and Dad threw me against the wall, and said, "Don't you ever interfere again, this is not your business."

What's the message for the protector? The message is, "I can't protect." "I can't protect her feelings." But he still wants to be a protector, so what he does is instead of looking at the outside world to protect, he turns around to the inner world, and tells the feminine to shut up. 

That is the origin of the inner judge. The wounded masculine side, unable to protect outwardly, turns inside to protect by saying, "shut up, don't cry, don't do that, don't ask for that, don't need that, don't take the last cookie, you know they don't like that, you better do what you're told, why are you blowing this? You should have thought of that, you shouldn't have broken that, you shouldn't have spilled that, I can't believe you don't pay attention." It's a preemptive strike inside to avoid being punished and judged from the outside. That's how the masculine protective part tries to protect us when we're little from Them.

That voice stays with us as we grow, and becomes the inner judge when the outer judges are gone. It then projects the judgments out onto everybody on the outside world saying, "They don't like you" or "They're not going to like you if you keep doing that so you'd better stop doing that." This was for me the biggest "ah-hah" part of the puzzle. The answer to, "How do we get rid of the judge?" is, we don't get rid of it. We heal it!

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This article was transcribed from a talk I gave to a group that was in hypnotherapy training at The Alchemy Institute in Santa Rosa, CA. They were learning about all the characters in our inner world, and the Inner Judge is one that we are all familiar with. If you'd like to heal YOUR judge, we have some great resources to do just that in my Online Toltec Community.

You can also get in touch with me. I offer counseling via phone, Skype, or in person. (707) 528-1271

allanh@sonic.net

IN Love,

Allan

My Chacala Nightmare

"My Chacala Nightmare"

I awoke trembling from a terrible dream this morning. I was dreaming I returned to my winter home in Chacala (Nayarit, Mexico) and it was totally modernized. 

It was awful!!

The streets were all paved, the restaurants had hardwood floors and redwood decks over the beach. There were SUV's everywhere, waiting to park to get their lattes, and T-shirts for sale with stuff written on them about getting drunk and going fishing. There was elevator music piped into every building and into the streets. Talk about an awful dream!!

The reason I was dreaming about Chacala is that when I return from Teotihuacán and our extension to Tepoztlán, I'll be organizing my business and home and preparing to drive to Chacala in early November -- a four day marathon from northern California.

I was very relieved to wake up and realize I was only dreaming about the redwood decks and elevator music, but also know "progress" is marching north from Puerto Vallarta toward Chacala, and the inevitable will happen -- we just don't know when. The coast of the state of Nayarit has been named, "The Riviera Nayarit" and is a new promoted tourist destination. This is one of the last unspoiled beach towns like this, easy to get to (via Puerto Vallarta) from most of the US and world, and yet like a forgotten paradise. It won't last forever.

So, please keep this a secret: Chacala is a lovely little fishing village of a few hundred Mexican families, and some very smart and low-key tourists and winter residents like myself. The beach is lined with thatched restaurants on the sand serving fresh seafood and frosty cold ones, and the sunsets are spectacular. There is no parasailing, no expensive pirate boat ride -- just the peace and quiet of a beautiful half mile of beach, the semi-tropical jungle, and some whales fooling around out there, and sweet people to meet and share with.

Like I said, please keep this a secret! When I return from Teotihuacán I'll be sharing more about Chacala, and inviting you to visit on vacation, experience the power of a personal intensive with me there at my "House of the Eagles," or join me for my Valentine's week retreat on Love, Romance, and Relationship.

In the meantime, I wish you a wonderful fall -- and remind you to start thinking about what you are going to do this winter to get away from the cold and relax... I know where I'll be all winter: Chacala, Nayarit, Mexico!! Join me!

PS: This coastal tourist part of Mexico is very safe, so don't believe everything you read or see on the news. In fact, Puerto Vallarta has been rated one of the five safest cities in the world. It is a big country, and what happens in one part doesn't happen everywhere!

Much love!!

Allan

allanh@sonic.net  -- Or (707) 528-1271

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I'm so grateful to be able to share with you here. My life and work and Joydancer and TACO (my online Toltec spiritual networking community) are all dedicated to helping us learn and remember the truth of our oneness as the Divine essence that creates and animates this universe... and each part of it in each moment. Including you and me!

I am available by phone, Skype, and e-mail if you would like support for your life journey. I look forward to hearing from you. 

Details about consultations and apprenticeship are here.

The Angel of Death/ The Angel of Life

"The Angel of Death/

The Angel of Life"

Three times a week, I meet in a chat room with members of my Toltec Apprentice Community Online ("TACO") to teach, share, play, grow, and ponder. Recently a member asked a question that led to a discussion of "The Angel of Death," a powerful guide on the Toltec path to personal freedom.

Here is a brief excerpt edited from that chat (names changed, etc.):

TACOMember1: Allan I have a question. I am not sure, but I would like to live like my death is near. I would like to keep that view, or vision in me. What to do?

TACOAllan: It's a powerful idea. Surrender your attachments to being alive. Surrender your attachments to all of your material possessions--they belong to the Angel of Death, not you. She will take them when she wants them back, including your body and life.

TACOAllan: When you surrender your attachments you release your fear. When you release your fear, your mind isn't zooming off into the past or future, and can be in the present. The only place Life really exists is in the present. When you surrender to the Angel of Death and enter each present moment with gratitude, she becomes the Angel of Life, the best guide to a life well-lived on the Toltec Path and beyond.

TACOMember2: How do you release the fear?

TACOAllan: The fear comes from attachments, which come from the illusion you can control the outcome. The need to control gives rise to the fear you will fail. So you have to try harder, and get more attached to the outcome -- which creates more fear you will fail.

TACOMember3: In other words we are releasing control that we never had in the first place...

TACOAllan: You've got it, TACOMember3.

TACOMember4: How do you let go of attachments?

TACOAllan: You let go of attachments by realizing that you cannot control much of anything in your life. Look back at your life, study it, and you will find that when you got into relationships and then they ended, when you bought a car and it broke down and you replaced it, when your lovely young skin gets wrinkled -- you weren't really orchestrating any of it. The Angel of Death owns all those things. She is in charge, she takes them back when she wants to.

TACOAllan: So surrender to reality, let go of the illusion of control, embrace the Angel of Death with deep gratitude for everything she loans you. When you do, you will wake up in the present moment -- in the arms of the Angel of Life! She is your guide to the joy, celebration, and wonder of each evolving moment of Life. And you are Free.

If you would like to be part of this online Toltec Community and participate in these chats ($1 for the first month) go here to learn more. 

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Each year at Teotihuacán, participants face the Angel of Death, and are invited to surrender the illusion of control in their lives. I invite you to join us this year, September 29-October 4, and make this powerful guide your guide to LIFE. Watch the ceremony in this video:

Allan Hardman teaches about "The Angel of Death" in Teotihuacán, Mexico

Life is happening right now.

Make the Angel of Death/ Angel of Life your guide to this present moment!

I enjoy your feedback.

              Allan

allanh@sonic.net -- Or (707) 528-1271

The Storyteller as a Terrorist in Our Minds

"The Storyteller as a Terrorist in Our Minds" 

(Written after 9/11/2001)

Every human's mind has a Storyteller... a small being who sits in the mind and tells stories to the human. That Storyteller is not there when the human is born. As soon as the new human is able to understand stories-- in tones of voice, facial expressions, and later with words -- the Storytellers living around that new human put the seeds of their stories into the mind of the new human. And they grow there, and become strong, and bear much fruit.

You were once a new human. When you popped into this world, the Storytellers knew it was their job to teach you their stories. Many of those stories were based on fear... fear that you will be rejected if you are not good enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, not beautiful enough, not handsome enough, not thin enough, just Not Enough. The Storytellers taught you that you had to be perfect in order to be accepted. The Storytellers taught you that nobody is perfect. Only God is perfect. They taught you that you could never be God, and yet you had to be perfect. 

The Storyteller's stories were often confusing, contradictory -- yet as a new human, you had no choice but to accept them as true. A fish living in water has no way of knowing air. A new human, living in that ocean of stories, has no way to know anything beyond those stories.

The nature of stories is that they are only true for the Storyteller who owns them. They are not true for anyone else. There cannot be a True story, or a Right story, or everyone would agree on everything. Even if everyone, everywhere, did agree, it would still be a story. It would be a description of beliefs and agreements that were once learned and held in the mind. Only that, nothing more.

The recent events of terrorism in our country present us with a story from other Storytellers that is, in the context of our story, incomprehensible. The terrorists' Storytellers say that their goal is to create terror in us, to create terror in our lives, to teach us that we will never be safe again. Even the news media says America will never be the same -- they also teach us the terrorists' new story: "We will now live in fear and not be safe."

The images of planes hitting buildings are now implanted in our minds, and the Storyteller tells stories about them over and over and over. The media compounds our fear, telling us stories of Anthrax and poisoning water supplies.

Every time the Storyteller tells a story about fear, every time your storyteller reads or listens to or watches a story about fear, it creates fear in the human mind. It creates terror in the human mind. Every time your Storyteller tells you a story that creates fear and terror in your mind, your Storyteller has become a terrorist. Every time you are the terrorist, every time you allow your Storyteller to tell you a story that creates fear, the foreign terrorists have succeeded.

Of course there are terrorists in the world, because there is a terrorist in your mind: your Storyteller. Now your Storyteller has learned new stories with which to terrorize you even more than it used to. It used to terrorize you by telling you stories that said that you would not be loved unless you made more money or were slimmer or younger or had fewer wrinkles. But now your Storyteller is learning new stories about violent acts that you cannot predict or control, and you are probably feeling more fear.

It seems to me that the way to end terrorism is to end terrorism in our minds, to quit believing the stories we tell ourselves that create fear and terror in our own minds. The fear that we feel is real, but the stories that we tell ourselves the create the fear are simply stories. You have a choice about what stories you allow your Storyteller to tell you. You have a choice about what stories to believe.

What stories are you choosing to believe? Are they stories that create fear and terror in your mind and body? Or are they stories that create love, peace and harmony inside of you? You can choose. Maybe we can't eliminate terrorism in the world, maybe we can't find all the right people to kill so we can feel safe again. But perhaps we can, and do, have a choice not to be our own terrorists.

Perhaps, when we are no longer terrorizing ourselves-- whether in fear about how much we weigh or in fear from imagining a story of an agonizing death caused by some foreign agent -- we can live in peace within ourselves. If we all live in peace with ourselves, surely we will live in peace with each other.

It's worth a try!

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I'm so grateful to be able to share with you here. My life and work and Joydancer and TACO (my online spiritual and networking community) are all dedicated to helping us learn and remember the truth of our oneness as the Divine essence that creates and animates this universe... and each part of it in each moment. Including you and me!

I am available by phone, Skype, and e-mail if you would like support for your life journey. I look forward to hearing from you.

Details about consultations and apprenticeship are here.

Sign up for my newsletter here.

The Myth of Multi-Tasking

I read the results of a big survey, asking people about how they multi-task, and why they do it. As you might guess, the main reason people said they do more than one thing at the same time is because of the pressures of time-- there is SO much to do, and SO little time! They spoke of "time speeding up" and life "flying by." I confess I have used that language in the past myself, although I am not sure what it means.

Some of the things the people said they did to multi-task were a bit scary: They read the paper, watched a DVD, ate breakfast, applied make-up, and/or changed their baby's diapers while they were driving. Other choices were a bit more benign, such as always reading and watching TV while they were eating, or listening to instructional audios while walking in nature.

If time is speeding up, and we have more to do than ever before, it seems to make sense to double up and try to do more things in less time. We drive faster, talk faster, eat faster, and sleep less. And we multi-task. Maybe.

I would like to suggest that the idea of multi-tasking is a myth, and is the antithesis of enjoying a well-lived life. Have you ever actually tried to direct your attention to two or more places at once? It is impossible. "You can only serve one master." Your attention can only be directed to one person, event, object, or task at a time. In so-called multi-tasking, what you are doing is directing your attention back and forth from one place to another, sometimes so rapidly that you are not aware there is a disconnect in the process.

Let's say you are a mother, and you are out for a walk. You are getting exercise plus perhaps pushing your baby in a stroller, and talking on your cell phone. You are not doing three things at once; you are moving your attention back and forth between each of the three things very rapidly. Your attention is actually being fragmented by the experience.

An American swami used to tell his students: "If you are going to eat, eat. If you are going to read, read. But don't eat and read!" One day a group of students found him sitting eating and reading. They said, "But Swami, you told us to eat or read!" He looked up from his breakfast and said: "If you are going to eat and read, eat and read!"

Most of us do not have that ability, and perhaps the Swami didn't either. Next time you think you are doing two or more things at once, stop and check. Are you actually doing two or three things back and forth, back and forth, back and forth? And if that is the true nature of multi-tasking, where is your attention NOT? I would suggest that your attention is not in the moment, in the Now of the Eternal Present.

I would also like to suggest that a life well lived is a life lived in constant communion with the Present Moment. the only way to live that life is to train your attention to be focused on the feelings, sensations, and surroundings or your human body in the moment. How does the air feel? How does your relationship with that baby feel? What does your body feel like, walking? Do you see the clouds, and the hundreds of green colors in those trees? Are you aware of the phase of the moon tonight? Does the intense awe of creation wash through your feeling body with such intensity you can hardly contain it? That is the joy of Life. That is Dancing in Joy With Life. The Joydancer.

Perhaps time is not speeding up. Perhaps it is us, speeding through life, running to reach some elusive goal of completion and success. We have to get it all done, we have to do more, be more, better, faster, more, more, more. There is no end to that race, and when you get tired of running it, you may discover you missed the scenery, awe, and juice of Life along the way. I encourage you to not let that happen.

Life is happening right now. Where is your attention?

I enjoy your feedback.

        Allan

allanh@sonic.net -- Or (707) 528-1271    

Sign up for my "Joydancer Weekly Word and News" newsletter, and receive inspirational articles in your inbox -- http://joydancer.com/Newsletter
____________________________________________________

I'm so grateful to be able to share with you here. My life and work and Joydancer and TACO (my online Toltec spiritual and networking community) are all dedicated to helping us learn and remember the truth of our oneness as the Divine essence that creates and animates this universe... and each part of it in each moment. Including me and you!

I am available by phone, Skype, and e-mail if you would like support for your life journey. I look forward to hearing from you.

Details about consultations and apprenticeship are here:
http://joydancer.com/study_wallan/index.html

What is a Despacho?

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Thanks for your questions and comments! Please keep them coming. Many people who read my newsletter about our Celebration of Life Garden Party on August 20 wrote and asked, "What is a despacho?" I thought it would be fun to answer that here.

Creating a despacho is one of the most potent experiences I and other people get to have. Every August at our Summer Celebration of Life weekend here in northern California, Francis Rico and I, and the group, create the despacho as the grand finale of the weekend. This year, for the Garden Party, it will be on Saturday afternoon (August 20).

Francis and I learned to create despachos from the shamans in Peru, separately and independently, and love to bring that energy to our groups. In Peru and the Andes, participants use their breath to put intentions into three coca leaves, which are then placed in the despacho. In our ceremonies each participant uses three petals from a red rose.

When the building of the despacho is complete, it and the intentions are "dispatched" into Spirit, often by burning the bundle.

Rather than try to describe with words the look and experience of the despacho, here is a photo from Peru, and a wonderful video of one of our Summer Celebration despachos. James Nihan, a singer/song writer and Toltec colleague from Tennessee wrote the song in the video, "Three Petals," about this ceremony. I hope you'll enjoy it.

Shamans in Peru creating a despacho

The Joydancer Summer Celebration of Life, and Despacho ceremony

Join us at the Joydancer Summer Celebration of Life

Garden Party, Santa Rosa, CA

Saturday, August 20, 2011

You can read more and RSVP here.

Potluck • BBQ • Sunshine • Friends and Family • Despacho ceremony of celebration and gratitude (4 pm) with Francis Rico • Homemade music (you) • Sharing love and wisdom in the Joydancer Toltec tradition on the garden lawn.

There is no charge for this event. We are accepting donations to cover some expenses.

RSVP

lynn@joydancer.com

707•528•1271

Everyone is invited -- except dogs and cats. Space will be limited, so make sure to RSVP for directions by Friday, August 19.

Honoring the Deepest Truth of You

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In the old dream, feelings and emotions are problems to be solved, or embarrassing intrusions into daily life. In children, feelings are repressed, punished, or shamed, and in adults the habit of denial continues. How many men have experienced emotions in a movie theater, and when questioned by a surprised or pleased woman, blamed their tears on the bad air or their (occasional) allergy to popcorn?

The spiritual warrior, alive in the new dream, recognizes and honors feelings as the truth of the moment. The warrior is no longer ashamed of what he feels. He honors his feelings the same way he loves a small child who comes running to him hurt, angry, afraid, or overflowing with joy. He honors and respects the feelings of everyone he relates to, whether a child, a mate, a friend, or a stranger.

~ An excerpt from The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book, by Allan Hardman

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It is my passion in life to help you accept every part of yourself so that you can live a truly happy life. We will do this work of accepting and falling into love with ourselves in Teotihuacán, Mexico - September 29 - October 4, 2001. Details here: http://joydancer.com/events/teotihuacanAndtep.html#teo

If you like what you read, you can:

1. Sign up for my newsletter, the Joydancer Weekly Word and News:

http://joydancer.com/Newsletter

2. Get your copy of The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book in the Joydancer Store: 

http://store.joydancer.com/products/the-everything-toltec-wisdom-book

3. Join my Toltec Community Online and be supported by a loving community of people learning how to become free of childhood domestication and claim their power as happy and free adults. 

http://tolteconline.com

4. Get in touch with me! I offer counseling via phone, Skype, or in person. Call or write for a free 30-minute phone consultation. (707) 528-1271. allanh@sonic.net

IN Love,

Allan